Ask St Joe! About love
2024-09-29
Nicodemus: St Joe, thank you again for taking our questions. We are thrilled by the reception of our advice column in which you, the patron saint of the dying, answer questions from readers.
St Joe: Nic, you are most welcome.
Nicodemus: Here with me today is Alice from Dallas, a Texan with terminal breast cancer. Her partner, Gloria, wants Alice to live as long as possible because, Gloria says, she loves Alice.
Alice says that because her (Alice’s) suffering causes Gloria to suffer, the sooner Alice’s suffering ends, the better off Gloria will be. Alice would, therefore, prefer to die as quickly as possible.
St Joe: Alice, I am so sorry for what’s happened to you.
However, let’s begin with a few clarifications. You introduced yourself as ‘Alice from Dallas’ even though, in other contexts, you go by ‘Peggy from Saginaw, MI.’
I get it: human identities are mutable. Changing your name to make personal transitions is an ancient practice.
In 1st century Tarsus, a Jew named Saul was a disciple of the great Rabbi Gamaliel, a renowned Pharisee scholar.
As a Pharisee himself, Saul was a zealous opponent of another group of Jews who were disciples of Jesus, the martyred Galilean Rabbi.
But while travelling to Damascus, a blinding light from heaven shone around Saul, and he heard Jesus asking, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?” He became a disciple of Jesus.
Called to be the Apostle to the Gentiles, he began to preferentially use his Roman name, Paul, in that mission.
Christians changing their names to mark personal change persists to the current day. When the author Thomas Merton joined the Cistercian order, he became Brother Louis. Pope Francis answered to “Jorge” for most of his life.
Moreover, this isn’t an exclusively Christian practice. When you “take refuge with” (become a student of) a Zen master or Tibetan Buddhist Lama, you get a Buddhist name.
The changes in names reflect differences in relationships with others caused by your change in identity. Therefore, I’m happy to call you Alice.
Alice: (Shaken) Thank you, St Joe.
St Joe: Please don’t thank me yet because not every identity transition is healthy. I’m concerned, Alice, that you present your rectal tumour as if it were in one of your breasts. I understand that everything concerning the rectum is stigmatized, but this strengthens the force of the stigma.
I am sure you recognize that it’s impossible to mislead God, from whom nothing is hidden. However, paradoxically, we can and do continually mislead ourselves, and this is dangerous.
More importantly, Alice, you mislead yourself by taking something you want for yourself — a quick death — and rationalizing it as something that would benefit Gloria.
Here’s your argument. (Notice that I did not write, “Here’s your argument as I understand it.” That false modesty suggests that my understanding of your view could be wrong. That’s impossible; like God, I perceive your thoughts directly.)
Alice, you argue that continuing to live costs Gloria time, energy, and money. More importantly, she has daily exposure to your pain, which causes her pain. So, while you are alive, Gloria suffers, and the sooner you die, the less suffering she must endure.
All true, and it is reasonable to prefer that death come quickly. But you missed Gloria’s point: she wants you to live as long as possible because she loves you. Loving someone is more than wanting that person’s life to go as well as possible.
Nic writes these interviews on a Macbook assembled by a woman in Shenzen. Nic has never met this lady, but being who he is, Nic wants her life to go as well as possible. That doesn’t mean Nic loves or even wants to meet her.
When Gloria says that she loves you, she means that she wants to join her life with yours, such that you become, as the Anglican rite says, “one flesh.” Gloria will experience your death like she would the loss of her right hand.
The upshot is that you need to discuss this with Gloria. She doesn’t see how much you are suffering and assumes that you would like to live as long as possible.
Learning that you would suffer less if you died sooner might change her view about what she wants. Likewise, it would help Gloria if she knew you know how important you, Alice, are to her.
Hi Bill… I love that you are having so much creative fun with St Joseph. I’m sure he’s loving it. He doesn’t get enough attention. I’m excited to read more 💕